she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
