True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Oh god it's open bar.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
