Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Randomize
