I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
