I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Holy shit dude........stairs
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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