omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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