Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
