i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
