Jerry, you need to find god
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
