FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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