my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
