if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
