wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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