the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
