OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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