you're like a bully in the Christmas story
he thought i was a dude.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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