I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Why can't burritos get me drunk
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
