Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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