dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
