just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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