I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it