If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.