I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
