When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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