And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
