I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
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