Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So much rum. So many feels.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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