i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
