im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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