If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
