Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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