I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
The ass gains better be worth it
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