8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
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I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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