he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
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you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
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My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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