Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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