you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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