I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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