it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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