I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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