I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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