just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
