Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
