Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
this will be a night to untag.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
