ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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