so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
