Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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