That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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