My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
