I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize