when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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