i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
