if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
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When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
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i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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