I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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