He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
