I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize