the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
