Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
