I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
