Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Are my feet made of real feet?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
