There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
The uberlube is also flammable
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
