I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
